Writer, Comedian, Author of Gonepausal

Gail Forrest

 Gonepausal, The Blog

I confess it was heartbreaking. Call me shallow, superficial, vain and obviously delusional, but I never thought a bartender could ruin my life. I was happily sitting at the bar of my Seattle hotel, sipping a mediocre yet expensive Sauvignon Blanc, looking out at the incredible view across the water and gleefully anticipating my longed-for salmon dinner. I was in a cute little black dress, strappy high heels, had put on makeup, blown dry my hair and shaved my legs. Yes, both of them as sometimes I lose interest by the second and once actually skipped it. I was thinking I looked pretty cute.

After ordering my second glass of wine, three twenty-something blonde girls walked up to the bar to pay their tab. They were "hotties.” I would kill for their wrinkle-free complexions or milky skin tone. No Botox or fillers for these youngsters. The bartender proceeded to tell them about "happy hour and free champagne on Saturday," practically pleading with them to come back and bring their friends.

 "Excuse me, I'll still be at the hotel on Saturday," I wanted to blurt out. Was I chopped liver? Was I invisible or did I remind him of his nana?

 Then it struck me. This was exactly like the moment I realized no one called me "miss" anymore. One day out of the clear blue, I was "ma'am.” Presto chango, I was dubbed "ma'am.” "You talking to me? I’m not a "ma'am, I CAN'T BE "MA'AM; anything but ma’am.” Aren't I too young? I needed a mirror, the witness protection program, a plastic surgeon. My mother is a "ma'am.” The older woman over there, but not me. The loss of "miss" was a milestone. Do men suffer this way?

And now I became too old for happy hour? This couldn't be happening. Hey, life-ruining bartender, more wine. Suddenly I had lost my desire for salmon. Then he turned to me and smiled. Aha, the guy obviously forgot to tell me about Saturday. I felt relieved and much, much better, all that anxiety for nothing.

            "Ma'am, would you like to close out your tab?”

WHAT'S SO HAPPY ABOUT HAPPY HOUR?

The Gonepausal Blog was introduced by Gail in 2007, and has been making people laugh since then.  Here's one of our favorite posts, below, and you can link to the whole blog by clicking on the logo, right. Enjoy!